If this newsletter has somehow found its way into your hands (and you’re not yet subscribed), allow me to help you out:
Today’s (actual) recipe: long and slow fermented buttery sourdough rolls, bursting with fresh lemon-infused blueberries– all topped off with a vanilla bean cream cheese honey glaze which is, quite frankly, non-negotiable either.
and the food (for thought) in question: this email was meant to be sent yesterday, but as I sat by my the kitchen counter ready to press send, a spark (quite literally) lit my vintage gas stove on fire and the whole thing began to light up in flames.
I proceeded to thank the gods we’re in America (where fire extinguishers are the law in rentals), as I instantaneously reached for it under the sink, sprayed the whole thing off and (quite literally again) lived to tell this story.
The stove was completely off btw.
As best as I can describe it: the electrical short circuited in one of the two ovens at random making an awful hissing sound (I’m in an old house), which sent sparks flying to the pilots and everything caught up in fire in a matter of seconds (seconds!).
The absolutely insane part?
Any other day I would’ve been working in my bedroom that late (I post from bed!).
But last night I was re-trying a recipe that hadn’t worked out earlier that day, so Dedal (my 12 year old English cocker), Hoopje and Mr Barry White (our baby cats) and I were hanging out in the kitchen. So I got incredibly lucky to have been there as it happened… otherwise the whole thing would’ve exploded just a few seconds later (and the gas tank is by my bedroom so… yeah)(we all got so incredibly lucky).
(Mr Barry White says he’s still hiding in a box in the cupboard until further notice)
p.s. this is a not so gentle (!!) reminder to please have your gas stoves serviced (and to test your fire extinguishers today)
But as I laid in bed last night in utter shock… I also couldn’t help but laugh a bit.
For you see, after my other near death experience with the bear (I mean, it wasn’t near as dramatic as this one– but still, I could’ve technically been mauled lmao), I had a resounding feeling that if I had died that day my spirit may not have actually died in peace: it would’ve certainly come back and hunted two humans who I had some very serious unresolved issues with.
And I even wish I was kidding.
But that evening back in September gave me quite a bit of food for thought on whether I was, in fact, living my life with no regrets (the one thing I’d promised myself after surviving what I did: to give myself the gift of using “my second chance at life” to live as fully as I could)(the answer? I wasn’t).
But yesterday, peculiarly enough, felt very different after sending my post last week: I felt a different sort of peace.
(i.e. if my time is right, I’m fairly certain that my ghost ain’t coming back to hunt anyone anymore 💁♀️)(and, thank goodness).
And in the end that was the message I was going to convey today either way, and the same one I shared with you in the comments last week when I pressed post: that I felt free, finally, from a captivity that was imposed on me by another human a long time ago.
Why?
Because more than anything I’m no longer carrying another human’s shame– another human’s shameful secret.
“No one will believe you” they say, “you’re going to ruin your reputation, your life!” they continue.
So I’ve finally understood what so many other survivors have said before me: that you achieve true freedom once you get to speak your truth. But given the complexity of my situation, I never thought I would personally have that privilege (and it really is a great privilege).
But I’m also finding it a little bit ironic that I really may have never told this story if I hadn’t felt like it was being used against me… you know, to silence me.
I really may’ve never known what I was missing out on. And I’m just a little mind blown by that.
“Nadie sabe para quien trabaja (nobody knows who they’re working for)”, my Mexican grandfather used to say– for life really does seem to give you exactly what you need… but usually too, in the most unexpected of ways.
So thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to read me this year.
For creating space for me to, well, quite metaphorically stand on the highest podium I could find in order to not let someone shame me into silence… and speak my truth:
I’m Paola.
I’m also a survivor.
(and I’m autistic).
Alas.
We’re also not (nearly) a year late to the party here because of all this ✨mess✨.
We’re late here because bless my dog Tito, as many of you will remember from last summer, quite literally went feral in my Montana apartment. We all thought he was sick and was resource guarding his space (I hear from vets this is “a shepherd” thing)… but it turns out he was resource guarding the part of my apartment where toxic black mold was growing. And given my own evolution of symptoms (remember him growling at my neck?), it’s likely too that’s why I was having all sorts of issues myself (all of our symptoms have cleared by now, my neck is back to normal, etc)(so check your house for black mold too, particularly if you are simply “just feeling generally a bit off”, lmao).
i.e. so we’re late because Tito is an absolute hero
But we did have to evacuate, put our things in storage and spend until January living in various short term rentals (one in which Tito again found black mold in a bathroom, and just casually sat by it growling deeply)(so expect a “you don’t get the dog you want, you get the dog you need” post at a later date– for sure).
Though I am sorry that I could’ve handled things a lot better here: say realize there’s a feature to pause the subscriptions (so those 150 of you who’ve subscribed thus far will certainly get an actual physical thank you gift from me in the next few weeks ok?)(no, I don’t have your physical addresses so I’ll reach out once I get the logistics down).
vip side note of the day: if you’re here like many of the o.g.’s to learn some advanced magic 🍄, we’ll meet this Sunday at Platform 9 3/4s)(and while I wish I could say you’ll receive your official invite by owl post… I’ll simply be sliding into your emails in due time 🪄
But today, with these actual sourdough rolls (for they truly are real), I wanted to bring you some other thought which has been haunting me personally:
👻: What if the problem lies not in the gluten… but the process? And what if it’s not the sugar… but the excess?
Because let’s face it, a McDonald’s cinnamon roll with all this as its ingredients:
is simply not going to hit the same as one made with heritage grains, no processed sugars or additives, and which has been slow fermented with sourdough cultures (as these create a rather fascinating prebiotic fiber)(which, yes, we’ll discuss in depth next).
I mean, sugar is the first ingredient (i.e. the one present in the largest amount). Like be fr, you know?
So is this a case like with margarine vs grass fed butter?
I really do think so.
And this is my main issue with using sweeteners too: I believe at this point that we’re wrecking our guts by ingesting them (and this comes from someone whose entire “business”, until now, relies on them– so take this seriously pls)(but I would like to hear your thoughts too). Because as I answered to one of you in the comments last month, I learned a lot about what they do to our digestive systems by simply observing what happens when I fed sugar alcohols to my sourdough cultures:
Starting with xylitol, which is used in dentistry products often as it inhibits bacterial growth (and sourdough starters are a form of bacterial growth), when I fed it to my cultures it pretty much *instantly* killed them as they went about trying to digest it... turning the starters into a liquid mess (ring a bell 💩?).
Because what else are made up of (good) bacteria?
Right, our gut microbiomes.
So my thought thus far is that sugar alcohols do a similar thing to our digestion as they did to my starters: they pass undigested through our stomachs and intestines (which is why they don't spike our blood sugar), and once they get to our guts they quite literally kill the microbiome as it tries to digest them... giving us a need to "make an imminent trip to the loo" (as the British would say)(though studies indicate the effects are negligible… my gut quite literally says differently, as I can’t stomach a single sugar alcohol anymore)(and given the amount of keto memes relating to this… ykwim).
(Not to mention the “flawed but also kinda eye opening” study on erythritol possibly leading to cardiovascular events)(like, no need to add more dangers on top of being held captive, bear attacks and explosive gas stoves 🙅♀️)(just in case you guys, I personally don’t think it’s worthwhile to stick around and find out)
So what am I baking with now?
I’ve been testing a bunch of the usual “unrefined” sugars: maple syrup, honey, coconut sugar and, most recently, a raw sugar with all the molasses still in it (it’s known as panela in latin america)(and it actually differs from brown sugar, as it’s deemed to be “low GI”… but I’m still digging around)(it does taste less sweet though, so it might just induce a lower response simply as it’s not pure sugar i.e. refined).
Still, sugar is sugar.
Then what about the glucose spikes?
First of all, as many of you diabetics have taught me, most of us can deal with spikes like champs (it’s literally a normal bodily function, after all, so let’s not vilify it completely)(but we should, perhaps, try and not abuse it… so we don’t loose the privilege).
So I personally don’t have “a definitive” answer for you here… though I do believe that the work of Jessie Inchauspe (i.e. glucose goddess) may well be a good place to start– as she preaches interesting hacks, while still being able to enjoy life in moderation (her book is terrific, as are her enlightening charts on her instagram)(yes, these seem to apply to the diabetic community too)(but you tell me?):
from simply making sure to enjoy a salad and a low carb meal before a sweet treat (as we know we should, lmao)
to even hacking the glucose spike by drinking an apple cider vinegar cocktail thirty minutes prior (this is an interesting one)(and it feels a little magical, matter of fact)
or to simply actually using the burst of energy up, as we often forget that sugar itself does have a function: it’s a stimulant (i.e. don’t beat yourself up too much if you overindulged in carbs these past few years– your body needed the comfort and stimulation it provided)(because ask me what I had for breakfast this morning, as I could feel the lingering dissociation from last night’s shock: a chocolate milkshake)(coffee would’ve given me the jitters, but the chocolatey sugar stimulated me into warmth… which I’m guessing is why it’s the only known antidote to overcome the chilling presence of a dementor 👻).
So in the next couple weeks you’re going to get a lot of recipes from me, most will be quite different from this one, but I also think it’s important to start to break the stigma that’s been created that all gluten (and all sugar) is bad: so let’s get the ball rolling with these (ultra fermented) sourdough lemon blueberry rolls.
And I say ultra fermented, as I’ve been slowly testing how much we can push the sourdough fermentation for.
Why?
Because the longer it goes, the more the cultures will digest the readily available sugars and break down the gluten bonds (making it easier to digest for many of us)(but also placing a limit before it all breaks down completely).
Still. I’ve found you can push it a lot more than you think (and particularly on the second rise, as you no longer have to worry about having less gluten during the shaping process)(though all of us keto peeps are absolute pro’s at shaping sticky batters, I know you know).
p.s. if you’ve never baked sourdough, you’ll quickly find that it’s less about following a recipe… and more about learning (and trusting) the process.
For “learning to read the room” takes on a whole other meaning when it comes to sourdough– as we’ll speak this week too about me accidentally unaliving Montana during a rapid temperature rise into the 90°s a few days ago.
xo! Paola
(ask a question, post a thought 🤌🏼)
(ultra buttery!) sourdough lemon blueberry rolls ☀️
A well-worth labor of love, for fresh blueberries shine amongst a subtle (yet permeating) citrusy tang, nestled amongst soft buttery layers of brioche-like sourdough delight.
It makes 7 fairly gigantic rolls (i.e. you can also make 9 smaller ones)(but do know there’s a beauty in the texture of the large guys that you’d be missing out on a tad)(for there’s always a trade off in life).
For the sourdough rolls
100g active sourdough starter
1 large egg, at room temp
24g (2 tablespoons) raw honey (maple syrup or granulated sugar of choice)
84g (6 tablespoons) unsalted grass-fed butter, melted (but at room temp)
160g (2/3 cup) whole milk, at room temp
330g (2 3/4 cup) unbleached bread flour*
5g (1 teaspoon) fine sea salt
For the lemon blueberry filling
42g (3 tablespoons) unsalted grass fed butter
50g (1/2 cup) panela sugar (or whatever granular sugar floats your boat)
zest of 1 lemon
250g (1 1/2 cups) blueberries
For the honey cream cheese glaze
28g (2 tablespoons) unsalted grass fed butter, at room temp
56g (1/4 cup) cream cheese, at room temp
2 tablespoons honey, to taste (or powdered/liquid sugar of choice)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract (or vanilla bean powder)
pinch fine sea salt
6 p.m. feed your starter
Add roughly 70-100g of flour to feed your starter (you want 100g of active starter for the recipe, so it depends on how big you keep your starter (say you may want to feed it for a couple days without discarding if you keep a small one going)(or if you’re taking yours out of the fridge you’ll def need to do one feeding before it’s strong enough to bake with).
Add enough spring water (you don’t want filtered, you really do want the added minerals)(this should tell you something too about what you should be drinking too btw 👀) until the dough resembles a thick pancake batter. Generally 70g of water/100 g of flour (i.e. a 70% ratio) is enough to get the consistency right. But if you’re using heritage grains or most gluten free flours you’ll need to add a little more.
Remember: thick pancake batter (like keto pancakes, I know y’all know!).
Allow to rest for 3 hours in a warm(ish) place: I’m keeping them on top of my gas stove (rip).
9 p.m. make your dough
My best advice: just ensure everything is at room temp to give your culture the best fighting chance. Other than that, you’ll be surprised how simple the process is (and how little you have to do, it just takes time).
Add starter, egg and honey to the bowl of your stand mixer and mix, until just combined, using the paddle attachment. Add in the butter and milk and mix again.
Set your mixer on low and add the flour in parts until just combined. Add in the salt and continue mixing until everything looks nice and incorporated (about a minute). Yup, the dough is pretty sticky at this point!
Cover with a damp paper towel and let it rest for 30 minutes.
Switch to the dough hook attachment on your mixer and “knead” on low-medium speed for 6-8 minutes. The dough will be sleek and pull away from the sides at this point (if it isn’t, just sprinkle a tad of flour at a time, think a tablespoon or two, and kneed for a bit longer).
10 p.m. bulk rise (plus stretch ‘n fold )
Transfer to a smaller bowl (as it’s easier to gauge the rise if you can actually mark it with a sharpie) and cover with cling film.
Thirty minutes in you’ll want to do a set of “stretch ‘n folds”: grab a hold of the dough, stretch it upwards and fold it down towards the center of the bowl. Rotate and repeat four times (you can watch me do it here).
Allow to rest for 8-15 hours, or until at least doubled in size (but I generally let mine go until it almost tripes). I’ve pushed it just until the point that it begins to recede back and it still comes out superb (and I personally find it easiest to digest).
6-12 a.m. shape
Line a 9-inch springform pan with parchment paper and set aside.
Lightly flour your working surface, turn the dough out and stretch it out gently (allow it to rest for 10 minutes if it “feels” like it’s resisting)(you’ll know, trust me!). Add a tad bit more flour and roll it out into a roughly 12x16” rectangle.
Zest a lemon onto your sugar of choice, and rub it thoroughly with your fingertips to release all the citrusy essential oils (take a good whiff!).
Spread the softened butter, sprinkle the zesty sugar, spread out the blueberries and roll up your dough into a log.
Cut up into roughly 2-inch sections and transfer to the prepared pan.
Cover with a kitchen towel and allow to rest until it puffs up nicely (1-2 hours)(it’ll take closer to 2 if you’re blueberries were cold out the fridge!).
8-12 a.m. (finally) bake away!
Preheat oven to 350°F/180°C.
Bake on the center rack for 40-45 minutes, checking in at minute 35. The top will be a nice golden brown once they’re ready (but depending on the excess moisture of your blueberries, I’ve seen the time vary a tad).
Allow to rest for 15 minutes before serving.
Make your glaze by beating the butter with the cream cheese until soft and fluffy (3-4 minutes). Sweeten to taste (you’ll be surprised how little honey you need when using quality ingredients), and mix in a touch of vanilla and a good pinch of salt.
Spread onto the warm rolls and enjoy *imminently*.
*King Arthur is likely the easiest, yet still pretty great, bread flour to “learn” sourdough with (there’s no way I personally experimented with fancy $10/lb heritage flours on my first tries!)
Oh and a little video of the rolls here, because let’s enjoy my beautiful vintage stove together a few more times (and thank the gods I get to live to write another post 😭)
Again, thank you for all of you who have commented (and written) in the past couple weeks. TIto and I went on some terrific hikes in the Yosemite valley to clear our hearts, and I'm just getting back to all of you now 🫶
Paola: “and thank the gods I get to live to write another post”
Beatrix and TC: 😏